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Somerset. UK

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The enthralling tale of President Barry and his onion hoe


What goes on behind closed doors in a bowls clubhouse


So you thought that all that went on in a bowls
clubhouse was drinking, eating teas, boring speeches
and terrible jokes.

Well how is this for a revelation:

Chick Coffin came in clutching what looked
like an overlong tea spoon.

"What on earth have you got there Chick"
Exclaimed bemused members.

"This good people, is an Onion Hoe,
and I am about to ask the Captain
to present it to President Barry"

And so the 'Onion Hoe' was handed over
in a hushed reverent and ceremonial manner.


Barry Taylor and his hoe
 


Barry takes up the story:

"Ehh ! You see chaps Onion Hoe is used for weeding in between rows of onions
That's why it is called an 'Onion Hoe'

"And my Onion Hoe were pretty usless as it had a flat blade"
I couldn,t get under the weeds to get them all out
so the little b*****s kept growing again, eh ooops"

By this time the audience was hushed and hanging on Barry's every word

"So Chick here" he said, putting his arm affectionately around Chick's shoulder

"Said he would modify the top of the hoe to create a graceful curved, swan
like blade which would then be able to get right under the weeds
and take them out, so the little b*****s could not grow again"

Well, not a dry eye in the clubhouse, with spontaneous
applause breaking out in the far left of the room
where the more emotional players sit.

Not been down the club lately - you don't know what you are missing

Banwell Club Tour to Barnstaple
  Wellington Green  
 

WOW! What a Terrific Tour

 
Harry Woodards Bowls

Well Now! we could not have asked for a better tour. The weather was spot on,we won all three games and the hotel was top class.

So below are a few pictures you may, or may not like, a few happenings that took place, which again you may, or may not like

But taking all things into consideration, a good time was had by all.

   
But first, a tour would not be a tour without the Donkey and the Dummies
( Same old faces appear on a regular basis)

       
  Paul Aldus And there was even one skip
who turned his presentation
into a celebration occasion

Paul Aldus

 

 
The hotel served up some excellent food, so below a few pictures of the dining room

 
  Jenny and Terry Brice Terry Lewis  

It is a well known fact that bowls tours and drinking copius amounts of alchohol go hand in hand

  JD and Shaun Kim and Pam Paul WIlfan  
   


And now stories that will make your toes curl


 

John Amos gets stuck in the Bath

Picture the scene, a hot bubbly bath, a generous glass of whisky
warmth and relaxation, what could spoil this idyllic situation.
A discombobulating situation I can reveal

Steep sides, a narrow deep bath all ganged up on me.
I found I couldn't move enough to exit the bath.

So I called my wife "I can't get out of this b****y bath"
But she was a fat lot of help and just stood their laughing
.
But we worked out the angles, and which part of the anatomy
should come out first, and bingo there I was like a beached
whale lying on the bath mat.

The Captain insisted that as I am normally the one to dish the dirt
that this story should be published uncut !!

Sorry girls no photo available of the drops of moisture laying
artistically on my rippling muscles - well it is a family website.

 

  Chick Coffin and his car

Chick Coffin and his car

Guess who left his car parked under a tree
used as a toilet by 3000 birds.
Yes, you,ve got it, a certain Chick Coffin
Nice pebble dash effect though chick

Chick Coffin
     
  Paul Wilfan and his pants

Paul Wilfan - You get more for your money
when you buy white underpants with Paul Wilfan

And so it came to pass that a certain Paul Wilfan
did turn up at the annual tour minus the essential
items - namely white underpants.

His friends protested vehemently
"We are not going to be subject to the sight
of your striped and spotted underpants when
you bowl, you have to go out and buy some white one's

Accompanied by Paul Aldus off he went to buy white pants
At the shop he selected a pack and went to pay for them

"I do not think you will need them that big" suggested Paul Aldus

"Well I do like lots of room in that area" came the reply.
And so they were purchased - the result can be seen
in the photo on the left.

But all is not lost, I understand Paul has been made an
offer for all his pants by a mariner who wishes to use them as sails
for his ocean going yacht

Misc Pics

Jan Davies Fan Dancer Kevin Smith The wicked witch
Nice headgear Jan
Yes the Fan Dancing is coming along just fine
Hang on Kevin your head's coming off again, i'll just screw it back on
The Wicked Witch of Wetherspoons casting spells again

And yes we did have time to play some bowls - a very successful tour indeed
played three - won three - results below



Barnstaple - Saturday 5th May

Rink 1
Rink 2
Rink 3
Rink 4
Rink 5
Rink 6
J.Wright
P.Wilfan
K.Smith
Jan Davies
T.Brice
C.Heal
V.Murphy
P.Kirby
M.Kirby
J.Amos
K.Wright
S.White
A Brookhouse
M.Millard
D.Towie
C.Coffin
H.Woodards
M.Laycock
L.Pheasant
P.Aldus
H.Guckian
B.taylor
M.Davies
J.Davies
Won 18 shots to 16
Drew 16 shots all
Won 27 shots to 13
Lost 13 shots to 22
Won 32 shots to 10
Won 17 shots to 11

Result: Banwell 123 shots - Barnstaple 88 shots


Braunton - Sunday 6th May

Rink 1
Rink 2
Rink 3
Rink 4
Rink 5
Rink 6
P.Wilfan
J.Wright
Jan Davies
K.Smith
T.Brice
M.Kirby
V.Murphy
K.Wright
S.White
P.Kirby
P.Keyes
J.Amos
C.Coffin
M.Laycock
H.Woodards
A.Brookhouse
M.Millard
D.Towie
J.Davies
G.Millard
H.Guckian
B.Taylor
P.Villis
P.Aldus
Won 19 shots to 15
Won 24 shots to 14
Won 32 shots to 11
Won 27 shots to 15
Won 27 shots to 10
Won 21 shots to 19

Result: Banwell 150 shots - Braunton 84 shots


Wellington - Monday 7th May

Rink 1
Rink 2
Rink 3
Rink 4
Rink 5
Rink 6
V.Murphy
K.Smith
G.Millard
J.Wright
Jan Davies
P.Wilfan
J.Amos
T.Brice
P.Kirby
S.White
M.Kirby
K.Wright
H.Woodards
M.Laycock
C.Coffin
M.Millard
D.Towie
A.Brookhouse
P.Villis
P.Aldus
H.Guckian
B.Taylor
J.Davies
M.Davies
Won 25 shots to 11
Won 34 shots to 7
Won 27 shots to 8
Lost 12 shots to 27
Won 22 shots to 14
Lost 16 shots to 28
Result: Banwell 136 shots - Wellington 95 shots
Bingo Night - April 2018
       
  Carole and Trevor

Bingo Night at the Pond
Winners, Losers, raffle prizes
and food plus some awful jokes


 
       
The bingo faithful gathered at the pond for another well organised bout of bingo.
The evening was punctuated by shouts of glee (The winners) and groans (The none winners) on a regular basis.
Throughout the evening the delicate and smooth tones of the presenter, Trevor Garfield
floated across the room, interrupted only by some truly awful jokes.

Below are a few photos taken during the evening

First here are some of the winners....
         
  Mo MIllard Carole Taylor Tony and Chris  
 

Winners: Mo MIllard, Carole Taylor and Tony Hyde

 
  Ann Woodards

The big winners of the night were Ann and Harry Woodards
who picked up a total of £70
during the course of the evening

Harry Woodards  
 

But amongst the winners, special mention must go to the impoverished Ashleigh, who turned up in her best
jeans,( which contained more holes than jeans)
and was delighted with her winnings which, as she said "Will be put to purchasing a new pair
of jeans containing slightly less holes"


 
  Ashleigh  
 

And then there were the two stout fellows running the bar, ably assisted by Vicky Guckian
Mind you I prefer the front view Mr President

 
  Barry and Hilary Barry Taylor  
 

And finally....The tale of the grubby boy !!
Now it came to pass that among the Garfield Clan was a young granson who had somehow
got himself into the sticky face syndrome.
Alas, this was spotted by Grandma Garfield who sailed in,
complete with damp cloth, tutting loudly and complaining that,
"We cannot have grubby boys in the bowls club clubhouse, can we now"?
Phew! Situation saved. Well done Grandma Martina


 
  Grandma Martina to the rescue

Another successful social evening at the pond.
Thanks must go to the organisational skills of
Trevor Garfield and to everyone who helped during the evening

The evening made £215 for club funds, and this does not include the bar takings Well done

If you do not know the way, ask a policeman.......On the other hand !!!
 


It all happened at Winscombe....Or was it Wrington......
Or, should you ask a policeman for directions?

The game was over, it had been a wonderful sunny day and we had enjoyed an excellent meal.
It was now time for the Captains to get up and give their speeches.
Phil Villis dropped a wonderful piece of news to all the players, to which I exclaimed.

"That has got to go on the website"

As it happened I was sitting next to Ken Whatling who writes the Winscombe website

"What do you reckon Ken? "

"Look John you couldn't be so cruel, so heartless so beastly to highlight that information"

"You want to bet"....came my swift reply"

So what happened?

Well it transpires that our two 'Avon and Somerset' boys turned up at Wrington
They of course wondered why there was nobody there - and then the penny dropped

"We should be somewhere else"

When Captain Phil asked them for an explanation. They came up with this priceless answer

"Well they both begin with a 'W' don't they"

And finally

Barry Taylor, don't think your wrong bias wood went unnoticed
You will get a warm £1 in the pig welcome at the next home game



The 2018 Season gets underway
     
   
     
  Carole Taylor

Carole Taylor

First on the list is an apology to the President's Wife Carole Taylor
I had, it would appear, been spelling her name without the 'e' on the end of Carole.
She grabbed me warmly by the throat and said very curtly
"I am not a Christmas Hymn I have an 'E' on the end of my first name"
So there you are Carole, all corrected (However in by defence Carole, I had taken your
name from the official club handbook - so I think I will shift the blame)

 
       
  Paul Wilfan

Pound in the Pig Society

The Pound in the pig society got off to
an early start with a splendid effort from
Paul WIlfan
He had the honour of being the first Banwell Club member
to bowl a wrong bias in a competitive match
Good one Paul

The Pig  
         
Perfect Weather for Presidents Day 2018


Presidents Day 2018

Group Photo 2018

Well now, they do say that 'The Sun Shines on the Righteous'
The weather was perfect for bowls with club members bathed
in warm sunshine. A nice change after the cold snowy winter.

President Barry Taylor was once again in sparkling form, although
later on as you will read he did get a severe wrist slapping from
his long suffering wife Carole

         
  The Captain and President On the green Chris Wilson  
         
  Pauline Mabbutt the Spider Winner

 


It was, as I said a perfect 'Presidents Day' the weather was good, the green played well and gradualy dried out as the day progressed.

The match was followed by a splendid tea, thanks to Carole and her team and that Barrel of Trelawny beer certainly went down a treat.

So well done to everyone on a superb and successful day and all the very best to you all for the rest
of the season


Barry Taylor  
 


So how did President Barry Taylor blot his copy book?

 
 

Now it came to pass that the more observant club members
noticed that the badge on the President's Blazer was not an
official Banwell Bowls Club badge, but some RAF music badge

"Eh ooops" said Barry "I must have put the wrong blazer on"

At this point Carole Taylor went ballistic.

"Barry I had your bowls club blazer dry cleaned especially for today
So what are you doing wearing that blazer?"
"Oh for goodness sake you silly man"

"EH ooops" replied Barry

 
         
  Carol getting cross Carol still cross The telling off  
 

Never mind Carole we will show him the error of his ways